Friday, August 31, 2007

"Everybody Knows..."

First, a note of thanks to those whose responded so generously to yesterday's entry. I do like the notion that we have a growing community in these blogs that are our peculiar avocation and delight (well, most of the time!) I myself have the feeling that, as the world grows more impersonal and removed from the sense that we can in some way influence what happens in it, community is getting to be THE MOST IMPORTANT thing we need to establish and nurture. Thanks to all for joining me in making this small corner of the blogosphere matter. And now, a kind of poem called...

"Everybody Knows..."

... how hard it can be,
sometimes, to shake stuff
out of the head. Take
this very morning, when
I sat in meditation, out
in the back garden, and
the words and music
of Leonard Cohen kept
coming back—a man
of sometime tortured
now gentle and sage
substance. Last night
I watched the film
about him, “I’m Your
Man,” and the words
and music had been
playing all night long
inside my head, and they
would not stop. Yes,
"Everybody knows." Then
the words of this poem
began to come instead,
and soon the inside
of my head was busy
not forgetting them,
I wanted so much
to write them down
correctly once my sit
was done. I tried
to substitute them
with that mantra from
the end of the Heart
Sutra, gate, gate, para-
gate, parsungate,
bodhi svaha
, lovely
words whose meaning
is mysterious to me,
impenetrable and, true,
I had some success
with this new approach,
the head did begin
to let go of its other
words and the mind to
empty out and focus
on the breath. Still,
did you never notice--
to misapply, once
more, those words from
the ever apt supply
of John Lennonisms--
how hard it can be?


Here's what I heard from a friend in the gym this morning: He had seen on another friend's car a bumper sicker that he loved. His friend gave him one of the same, and he promptly stuck it on the rear end of his own car. Shortly thereafter, he was driving with a young woman friend in his car and was nearly forced off the road by an irate driver who sped up behind him in a fury. My friend feared, he told me, literally for his life and for the life of his passenger. And tore the new bumper sticker off as soon as he got home.

The bumper sticker read: OSAMA BIN LADEN BELIEVES IN GOD.

Oh, and while we're on the subject... thanks to Ellie for drawing my attention to the New York Times squib on this controversy. Bin Laden depicted "in a Christlike pose"? A "Virgin Mary covered in a burqa"? This competition for religious art at the National Art School in Sydney, Australia (where, incidentally, I'm thrilled to have some regular readers of The Buddha Diaries! Please check in, one of these days!) has a new member of the art morality squad out protecting religion from scurrilous attack. Prime Minister John Howard now joins the not-so-distinguished ranks of such notable art critics as Rudy Guiliani (remember those elephant turds?) in condemning the artists Priscilla Banks and Luke Sullivan: "The choice of such artwork," thundered the good Prime Minister, "is offensive to the religious beliefs of many Australians." I'm sure those Aussies need the protection of their Prime Minister from the subversive attacks of these dangerous artists. Right, Aussies?

Early Morning Buddhist Inspiration - 8/31/2007


Practice for the New Millennium by the Dalai LamaThe Practice:

1. Spend 5 minutes at the beginning of each day rememberingwe all want the same things (to be happy and be loved)and we are all connected to one another.

2. Spend 5 minutes breathing in, cherishing yourself; and, breathing outcherishing others. If you think about people you have difficulty cherishing,extend your cherishing to them anyway.

3. During the day extend that attitude to everyone you meet. Practice cherishing the "simplest" person (clerks, attendants, etc)or people you dislike.

4. Continue this practice no matter what happens or what anyone does to you. These thoughts are very simple, inspiring and helpful. The practice of cherishing can be taken very deeply if done wordlessly, allowing yourself to feel the love and appreciation thatalready exists in your heart.


Thursday, August 30, 2007

Don't Miss the Sunrise


"Is there anything I can do to make myself enlightened?"

"As little as you can do to make the sun rise in the morning."

"Then of what use are the spiritual exercises you prescribe?"

"To make sure you are not asleep when the sun begins to rise."

-Anthony deMello, from One Minute Wisdom

James: I feel that enlightenment is better understood as awareness. Thus, the seeker's question would then be, "Is there anything I can do to make myself aware?" He might as well be asking, "Is there anything I can do to make myself breath?" Being aware means letting go of our conceptual "understanding" and queries so that what remains is the Pure Awareness of observations and experiences as suchness unfolds and we are then free to simply delight in the process. I reminded of the story of Buddha, the disciple and the flower: By Thich Nhat Hanh, in Peace Is Every Step

One day the Buddha held up a flower in front of an audience of 1,250 monks and nuns. He did not say anything for quite a long time. The audience was perfectly silent. Everyone seemed to be thinking hard, trying to see the meaning behind the Buddha's gesture. Then, suddenly, the Buddha smiled. He smiled because someone in the audience smiled at him and at the flower. . . . To me the meaning is quite simple. When someone holds up a flower and shows it to you, he wants you to see it. If you keep thinking, you miss the flower. The person who was not thinking, who was just himself, was able to encounter the flower in depth, and he smiled. That is the problem of life. If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.

James: While intellect is important in Buddhism, too much thinking gets us no where because it is based on the mind--which is where the so called, "problem" arises from in the first place!! We think so hard that we miss the bigger picture because we are looking instead at each individual pixel. It is like saying, "No. I can't see the forest because there are too many damn trees in the way!!" When you stand back and just let yourself be apart of the grand tapestry then there ceases to be a need to "make sense" of it all. This is the reality of Oneness where there is no longer a "questioner" and a "question." There just simply is.

We don't need to understand every little detail to enjoy life, to experience blissfulness and peace. Our questions will never cease and one day our intellectual understanding will fail us and we will become disillusioned unless we have learned, again, how to let go and just experience (and accept) life for what it is. The mind will never be satisfied and that is why it is skillful to let go of it's biased "revelations." The mind can not experience Oneness because all it knows and desires is separateness, specialness, desire and greed.

~Peace to all beings~

PHOTO: Borobodur at Sunset in Borobodur, Java, Indonesia by Jon Toma

Ten Thousand: Comments and the Accumulated Wisdom

(Note: My thanks to Cardozo, for promoting the idea for today's entry, and for putting it all together--and for his constant vigilance over the site--PaL)

Recently, The Buddha Diaries received its 10,000th visit since it morphed out of the carcass of The Bush Diaries in January of this year. To commemorate this benchmark, we thought it appropriate to resurrect a few representative insights shared by Buddha Diaries readers over these past months.

My thanks to everyone who reads and shares their insights in The Buddha Diaries! Your participation is that on which our daily labors thrive. And now...the quotes:



By Jane, on British Accents:
"I remember walking around Charing Cross on one of my first evenings living in London and hearing two young women talking to each other. I was so impressed; thought they must be royalty, at the very least--and wasn't the palace somewhere around here? Now I know better; they were probably hookers, and Cockney ones at that." - in response to This Bloody Cold...
Carly, on Life:
"Once I turned my talents to the buoyancy of a great idea, I was free to 'ebb away all movement' in the act of painting the idea." - in response to Viva Voce
Cynthia, on public speaking:
"...I find the nervousness to speak is like a fire that makes the event brighter inside and out." - in response to A Dream: the Fear of Public Speaking
DP on Profanity:
"Peter, I think even the Buddha would use his share of expletives if he were stuck in traffic on the 405." - in response to ****s (Four-Letter Words)
Dr. Steve on the United States of America:
"Our country has cancer...Cancer invades, dominates, communicates in secrecy and consumes resources endangering the survival of the community." -in response to Who are We?
Eli, on Christianity and Buddhism:
"I love Buddha's philosophy that there's no need to fret about unknowables, and wish so much that my Christian compatriots spent more time in the midst of God rather than observing from a distance." -in response to Creation...and The End of the World
Fred, on Karma:
"...the world's karmic engine works "perfectly." Things are as they are as the result of the accumulated actions of all of us..." - in response to A Perfect World--and the Insanity Donut
khengsiong on Meditation:
"I had a co-worker. He didn't meditate, yet he was happier than me. The reason: he was an easily contented person, while I had too much to desire." - in response to STRESS....! and Meditation
Lindsey in Lawrence on Meditation and Mindfulness:
"I'm no good at sitting meditation. I haven't yet learned to clear my "monkey mind" enough to benefit.

So instead I practice mindfulness. It might sound silly but during finals...I'd make a mindful peanut butter sandwich. (I'm laughing at myself right now, I must admit.) I would make myself a sandwich, but while I was constructing it I would focus my energy into completely being in the moment with that sandwich. I would listen to the sound the lid made as it was unscrewed from the jar of the peanut butter. I would listen to every sound, feel every feeling and remember to be alive in every moment. I would breathe and be thankful for every breath.

After that moment spent in mindfulness, the world would seem to slow down and I could focus." - in response to STRESS....! and Meditation
Mark on Mother Teresa:
"[The] notion, that people need help and love no matter whose name it is or for what reason, is more of the example Mother Teresa set for us all than her faith in the divine, in my young opinion." - in response to God... and Two Teresas
Mikhael on Buddhism and Faith:
"Buddhism does require faith; a faith that inner peace is possible." - in response to Is Religion Necessary?
PK, on Meditation:
"I really don't want to go into my tomorrow with yesterday dwelling in there." - in response to Creation...and The End of the World
Robin, on Metta:
"To promote one's own interest is a primordial motivation of human nature. When this urge is transformed into the desire to promote the interest and happiness of others, not only is the basic urge of self-seeking overcome, but the mind becomes universal by identifying its own interest with the interest of all." - in response to About Those Crack Dealers...
Robin Andrea on Atheism:
"I think the need for religion exited my cells a hundred generations ago..." - in response to Is Religion Necessary? (The Answer)
The Mindtaker on the Environment:
"If only we could...take the democratic voice away from lobbyists and [give it] back to the people, maybe we could stop the lumbering beast of capitalism and start restoring the consummate beauty of our little blue planet." - in response to Live Earth
They call him James Ure on Buddhism and Masturbation:
"I do not find masturbation to be 'Un-Buddhist' in the least. Perhaps if you've become a monk, but then again look at all the problems the Catholic church has faced over clamping off a very natural human urge." - in response to Sex... and The Buddha Gets a Face Job
Tom, on Racism:
"Growth can come from growing weary of the judgmental, hateful buffoon you find yourself to be and a desire to emulate something more compassionate." - in response to Racist Words: Another Perspective

Early Morning Buddhist Inspiration - 8/30/2007


Believe nothing merely because you have been told it. Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher. But whatever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be kind, conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings -that doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide.

~Buddha


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

God... and Two Teresas

Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The Child of your Love — and now become as the most hated one — the one — You have thrown away as unwanted — unloved. I call, I cling, I want — and there is no One to answer — no One on Whom I can cling — no, No One. — Alone ... Where is my Faith — even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness — My God — how painful is this unknown pain — I have no Faith — I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart — & make me suffer untold agony.

So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them — because of the blasphemy — If there be God — please forgive me — When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven — there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. — I am told God loves me — and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart?


— addressed by Mother Teresa to Jesus, at the suggestion of a confessor, undated

I don't believe in God. I think I have made that clear. I don't agonize over my lack of belief. At most, while my father was still alive, I kept my disbelief under wraps for his sake, for the Anglican priest he was, at least when I was in his company, so that I would not disappoint him. I regret that now. I think that we could have had some great discussions, that honesty would have brought us closer--though by that time I had left England for good, and saw him only rarely, once every couple of years or so, for a few hurried days. I went to church on those occasions, out of respect, and perhaps a kind of nostalgia for the ceremony of it, the sights and sounds and smells...

There had been times, I knew, when my father wrestled with doubts about his faith. He lived with chronic stomach problems, chronic health problems of all kinds as he grew older. My father was a great believer in the unity of mind and body, and one who inevitably attributed others' illnesses to "psychosomatic" effects. He loved that word. It must surely have crossed his mind that his own health problems were a symptom of his inner struggle with God. It's a conversation I now wish that I'd had with him--a conversation that might have shed light on my own lack of faith, my own disbelief in the God he worshipped, and taught others--myself included, as a child--to worship with him.

So now we learn about Mother Teresa. The news media are shocked, shocked... and are convinced that we must share their alarm. I don't. It seems to me that the "dark night of the soul" is something every human being is given to experience in one way or another, and that the more sensitive among us will suffer it for longer. For Teresa, it lasted for decades. I see her struggle and read her words as poetry. It doesn't matter to me that they are centered on doubts about the Christian God. In fact, it seems almost irrelevant to me. I have a friend who has suffered it for years, so far as I know a non-believing Jew with a true heart and a fine intelligence. I believe that some few people are given more to suffer than the rest of us. Perhaps it is in some strange way their choice, but it's sad to think of it that way.

There is, of course, as Teresa put it, "such deep longing for God," for some hard evidence that our lives have greater depth and meaning than might seem to be the case, given a brief and sometimes brutish sojourn on this planet Earth. All the beauty in the natural world and in the greater universe is not satisfying for some, who need to project a reason and a justification for these phenomena on some unseen, guiding hand, an "intelligent" designer who oversees their workings and demands obesiance. Should they seek solace from him/her/it in the form of some returned communication--a prayer answered, an intention approved--and should they fail to hear the answer that they seek, they may well find themselves, as Teresa, "repulsed — empty — no faith — no love — no zeal. — [The saving of] Souls holds no attraction — Heaven means nothing — pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything."

It's a piteous plea, and one that sounds a deep emotional truth about the far end of the spectrum between ecstasy and despair. I do not question Mother Teresa's cry of despair any more than I question the ecstasy of that other Teresa,
Teresa of Avila, whose passionate surrender at once to Thanatos and Eros--at least in Bernini's awesome image of her--is also profoundly moving in its sheer humanity, profance, erotic and saintly in the very same breath. It's all poetry to me, and meaningful as such. I don't need God to explain either one to me. I don't even need the "secular spirituality" that
Deepak Chopra would have us embrace if we have abandoned the Christian faith, which seems to me to share the internal squishiness of some New Age simulacra for religion.

So, thank you for those letters, Mother Teresa. I for one don't need you to be a saint. I need you to be the human being you prove yourself to be. Though, without wishing to be cheeky, and with regard to all that suffering, I think you'd have found more comfort in the Buddha's Four Noble Truths and Eightfold Path than in your Jesus on the Cross.

Zen Story: A Cup of Tea

James: This is one of my favorite Zen stories:

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.

Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor's cup full, and then kept on pouring.

The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. "It is overfull. No more will go in!"

"Like this cup," Nan-in said, "you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?"

~Peace to all beings~

And Now For Something...

... completely different--though nothing ever is. As we shall see...

Ellie and I walked down the hill yesterday, late afternoon, to enjoy a glass of wine with our neighbor, the artist Marcia Hafif. A painter in the tradition of minimalist, monochromatic work, she's just completing a new series of bichromatic paintings and has them hanging in her living room. I didn't count them, but I guess there are perhaps a dozen of them, each square divided vertically into two non-equal parts whose graduated width evokes the rhythmic progression of a spare, musical composition as the eye follows the series around the room. The paintings have a silvery, silken glow to them, with barely perceptible modulations on two subdued colors, both difficult to name; one is a kind of subtly mauvish grey, the other a reduced celadon green. They would have the fluffy seductiveness of cotton candy, but for the carefully-structured formal context that lends them a quiet sobriety and depth. In keeping with the history of Hafif's work, their Zen-like reductiveness induces a state of meditative attention and serenity, but there's a gentle quality in the touch that keeps them from being severe. Up close, the artist's hand is everywhere evident in the patient brushwork and this, I think, is where the viewer is invited into the work. This is chink in the formalist armor where we come in contact with the human presence and the human values that give the work its depth of content.

Not an adequate description, perhaps, because such work defies attempts to translate it into language. I was reminded once again of the seeming contradiction in my aesthetic passions: while I'm attracted to the work of artists who persist in looking to the human form and to the landscape that surrounds us, I also get that frisson of recognition, of acknowledgement--that YES!--with reductive, even monochromatic work like Marcia's. It's the response that tells me that what I'm looking at has something vital to tell me about my own humanity.

Outdoors, on Marcia's deck, with a glass of wine, we got to talking about art, and music, and literature--but not in that awful academic way, that one-upman trade of esoteric information and display of intellect. Our conversation came, I think, out of mutual experience and the process in which we are engaged in our creative work, and the ways in which that process is fed by others who have walked the path before. So Marcia could speak easily about Fra Angelico and the painting he had made for himself, in his cell, beside the window, competing with that light source, so that its whiteness--the painting's--became central to its meaning. And somehow this gave another dimension of meaning to the work we had just been looking at, and led to more thoughts about painting and writing, and engagement with the medium as having meaning in itself. And how emotion is conveyed more vitally not by the heavy sighs but by the unspoken subtleties--which brought me back, again, to thoughts about Jane Austen.

All interesting stuff. Thinking back to yesterday's entry, and the anger, and the reticence about giving vent to it, and wondering how "Buddhist" it might be, I realize that the relationship between passion and dispassion is a close one indeed. The idea that passion can be experienced perhaps more deeply through restraint, that equanimity does not imply removal--this idea is one that's worth exploring.

I trust I haven't bored you all today, with my aesthetic speculations. To me, they're anything but abstract, like Marcia's paintings. Very present, very real. See? As the French say, Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose. (Approximately: The more things change, the more they stay the same.)

AND ANOTHER EPIPHANY...

... sent to me by my friend Marsha, also an artist (though spelled differently from the Marcia above; just another of those strange coincidences!) who was reluctant to use the "Comments" button. It's a lovely story, so I append it here. Enjoy...

The lucky thing about my childhood was my father's sense of adventure and his total lack of care as to where we might end up. We went on great trips all over the west, driving for hours, days. I spent all that time looking at the land, the forms, and the horizon line. I think that is where I learned what America really is. Anyway, one summer we were traveling through Navaho country and my father announced that we were going to stay the night at Goulding's Trading Post in Monument Valley. Goulding's was known because some of the great westerns were made there by and with John Wayne, John Ford, etc. Needless to say it was not a tourist destination, as it is today. To get there meant driving miles on a two lane road through the reservation and then off on a dirt road for a while.

We arrived late in the afternoon. A storm was coming in. The place was situated high against red cliffs, overlooking the spectacular valley with its endless flat land and scattered red buttes and mesas rising straight up. It was a working trading post with some out buildings, two of which were the low slung guest quarters and the dining hall.

Once we were settled, I wandered out to where the dirt road began to slope toward the valley. There was another girl standing there looking out. She was a guest too. I don't remember her name, but I do remember being impressed because she was thirteen, which made her a big girl, and she wanted to be an anthropologist. We talked a while, watching the storm move in across the valley as the sun began to set. Then we wandered into the trading post.

It was dark with log walls. Lariats and silver necklaces hung from pegs, sort of glinting because they caught what light there was. At the back of the store in the darkness was Goulding himself, leaning on the counter with his hands spread apart. My new friend said, "It's windy outside". Goulding answered, "That's what spreads the seeds". At that moment I got the big picture. It was as if I could see and feel the whole universe and the interrelatedness of everything. The experience washed over me and was very quiet, very deep. Still is.

The storm arrived after sunset. Lighting strikes, long , skinny ones from sky to earth, lit the valley in high contrast black and white. We were so lucky because we could witness it from our little room against the cliffs.

I never told my parents or anyone about my experience for a long time. I was sort of mute about it. I just felt it and knew what it was, even as a little kid...

Early Morning Buddhist Inspiration - 8/29/2007


Fools wait for a lucky day but every day is a luck day for an industrious man.


Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Gonzales Resignation

Okay, friends, my apologies in advance but here I go again. Another rant. Is it very un-Buddhist of me to be so outraged? I don't know. But this is what's coming up for me, so here I go.

I'm not alone, surely, in concluding that the man who sits in our Oval Office--I still can't bring myself to dignify him with the title "President"--suffers from a debilitating and apparently irremediable character flaw: he seems constitutionally (!) unable to accept responsibility for anything. Ever. No matter what the circumstance. Thus, yesterday, in his mendacious remarks on the resignation of the man he had appointed to be this country's chief upholder of the law, he saw fit to blame others for having "dragged his name through the... [significant pause] mud, for political reasons," conveniently passing over his (Gonzalez's) incompetence, his rampant toadyism and his cavalier disregard for the truth; conveniently passing over his (Gonzalez's) role in the infamous torture memo, his willing participation in the abuse of those rights he was appointed to defend in the scurrilously misnamed Patriot Act, his trashing of centuries old human rights in the form of Habeas Corpus, his discreditable memory loss if not outright perjury before Senate and Congressional committees...

No matter all these and other transgressions of the law by the chief law officer of the land, he (Bush,) whose intransigeance has resulted in more bitter and fruitless partisanship than any other politician in living memory, had the gall to stand before the television cameras and impute it to others, in apparent denial or ignorance of his own partisanship and abject failures of judgment. Despicable, in my humble opinion.

This same man lays claim to salvation through religion. My question: does giving oneself to Jesus entail abdication of responsibility for oneself? I would hope not. It does seem, however, to lead certain of its practitioners into the habit of casting guilt and shame on those who do not share their rectitude. Am I guilty of hypocrisy here? My own "religion," such as it is, teaches (not preaches, please!) that our actions have consequences--the very subject of last Saturday's retreat: "dependent co-arising,"If this, then that. Good actions, springing from good intentions, lead to good outcomes. From those actions which prove, through their results, unskillful, we are invited to learn not to repeat them.

Seems like a good and healthy principle to me. It leaves no one to blame for anything that happens but myself. Such a revolutionary idea. I wonder, though, does this religion (Buddhism) deprive me of the right to be critical of those I perceive to be in error? I would hope not. But when I get so angry--as, today, at Bush--does it not behoove me to express that anger? Or does the expression of it result simply in more chaos and confusion in the world? Does my anger reflect the kind of rectitude, on my part, that I so readily attribute to them? A bit of a conundrum here, I think. But I would not wish to be silent in the face of what I see to be harmful unskillfulness on the part of others.

Early Morning Buddhist Inspiration - 8/28/2007


Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. ~Buddha


Monday, August 27, 2007

My Interview with Mala Maker Brian McIntyre. Part II

CLICK HERE FOR THE FIRST PART OF MY INTERVIEW WITH BRIAN MCINTYRE:

6). What are a few (2-3) of your favorite books on spirituality? Play of Consciousness! By Swami Muktananda. This will forever stand as the book that clarified my path and make all previous experiences clear and understandable.I am amassing a library of books in hopes that any one of the books will iPmpact their lives as this book has for me.

7). What is your view of the world today?

FEAR brings ignorance and despair. Living in fear forever roots us in samsara and believing that we are separate from one another will never heal the state of the world.The more people can sit in reflection of themselves and realize that we are all related in light and LOVE than the world will be a space of LOVE and devotion. A world where we all live together and help each other realize our own divinity.

8). Your website mentions that incense is available. What is your favorite incense and why? (You can choose two if you’d like).

“Temple Incense” I call it this because I am not sure what the name is but it comes in bunches and you can buy them in Chinatown’s…with red sticks holding the incense together. It reminds me of my many visits to North East Asian temples.“Prasad Incense”. This is any incense that has been gifted to me by monks off Shrines where people have worhsipped and offered to the gods. After the evening winds down these offerings are taken off the shrines by resident monks and passed out to people.

9). Have you visited any other Buddhist and other religious holy sites? Which ones and what did you think of them?

Too many to name! Haien-sa, Korea. The location that has over 10,000 tablets of wood encompassing the entire Pali Canon! Borobodur, Indonesia. The largest Buddhist complex in the world, it is a representation of Buddha’s life from birth to Nirvana and requires the devotee to walk clockwise around the complex and once a full round is done you walk up to the next level and repeat until you make it to the 9th “floor”.“Vulture’s Peak” near Hangzhou, China where caves are carved out into images of the Buddha. AMAZING!
(Above: Brian at "Vulture's Peak" near Hangzhou, China).

10). What do you think of the spread, growth and adaptation of Buddhism in the West?

In the consumer culture of the West some people become jaded believing that Buddhism has been “marketed” but in the end the image of a divine being is the best for a society. Simply having an image of the Buddha in your home or work space creates a tranquil and peaceful state of mind.

There have been some people who have “jumped on the band wagon” because of Buddhism popularity. But only the true at heart will live through this popularity and show the way, leading by example. Buddhism has created a present culture or mindful citizens and compassionate beings and it is a matter of time before our society as a whole benefits from the actions of these beings.

I always tell people that you have to believe the West is becoming a more conscious and connected culture when someone can make a living being a mala maker.
(Above: Gazebo in a lake. Hangzhou, China).

James: I think you would agree that Brian is a very fascinating, kind, talented and wise person. Thank you Brian for the interview. Once again I would like to recommend Brian's malas. They are the best malas that I have ever used/worn and I have worn many. If you would like to learn more about his malas then just check out his website by clicking on the name, Destination Om: Custom Malas and Prayer Tools.

~Peace to all beings~

PHOTO CREDITS: All photos are the sole property of Brian McIntyre. The image on the top left of the blog is credited to Brian's website: Destination Om: Custom Malas and Prayer Tools.

Early Morning Buddhist Inspiration - 8/27/2007


The secret of happiness liesin the mind's release from worldly ties.


Sunday, August 26, 2007

A Mile in Her Shoes

I notice that I have been reading more than my usual share of novels this summer, and finding them more than usually pleasant reading. The latest is Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict by Laurie Viera Rigler, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I'll confess I would likely not have picked it out from the bookstore shelves, had I not bumped into the author at a reading a couple of months ago. I'm glad I did, because her book reminded me of the gentle pleasures of reading Jane Austen, of the English countryside and the now somewhat faded elegance of Bath, and of the polite eccentricities of the English character. It also put me in mind, throughout, of a valuable Buddhist teaching.

Rigler's conceit is an amusing one. Our Jane Austen addict, Courtney Stone, a twenty-first century, post-feminist, Los Angeles-based protagonist-- she has her own MySpace website--wakes up one day to find herself inhabiting the mind and body of "Jane Mansfield" in Austen's early nineteenth century England. The ensuing romp through the exquisite agonies and politenesses of that era shed light not only on the nostalgic view of a life more simply defined by a rigorous social code--but also on its too readily forgotten hazards: its awful sanitary conditions no less than its relegation of women to the property of males. Rigler's Courtney observes it all with the cynical eye of a "liberated"--and recently jilted--woman who obsesses not only about her beloved Jane Austen but also about such things as cleanliness and creature comforts of the kind distinctly unavailable in Austen's day.

And then there's "love"--so differently defined and practiced in the two eras that clash together in this book. For Courtney, it's about sexual politics, sexual freedom, the freedom to choose partners, it's about her womanhood, her individuality, her strength--and weakness. And she suffers. For "Jane", it's about financial security and social convention, family, propriety and property. "Love" as we understand it in our century--something to be fallen into--has hardly entered into the social vocabulary of Jane's time, it's there only as a glimmer of romanticism and the freedoms that aesethtic movement had begun to claim. It's there, in Jane's heart, as a hope almost beyond hope to be fulfilled. Sex, so subtly sublimated in Jane Austen's world into the delicate, precise dance of language and social mores, is an omnipresent but forbidden topic, a delicious undertow fraught with fears and inhibitions.

Rigler, herself clearly a Jane Austen addict, has a sure feel for these matters in both "Jane's" world and Courtney's. Venturing into the risky territory of nineteenth century English as a contemporary American whose native language is the vernacular of twenty-first century California, she proves sure-footed amongst the booby-traps--and as a native English English speaker, I'm sensitive to the potential lapses. Her plotting, too, is nicely handled: the reader's attention is engaged by the story line throughout, and the ending--long anticipated, because we're kept wondering how our Courtney is ever going to escape her predicament--is astutely satisfying: it serves at once to resolve and deepen the mystery of Courtney's time-warp, and leaves the reader empowered to speculate on its meaning.

For those who fall into the trap of dismissing Jane Austen's novels as romantic fluff, and might be tempted to do the same with Rigler's, it should be added that Courtney takes her identity crisis seriously even as she seems to simultaneously enjoy the ride and worry about the return trip to her "real self." Along the way, this material girl is required to re-evaluate her own sense of self, and is confronted constantly with that great teaching of Buddhism I mentioned earlier: the "other" mind-body she inhabits requires her to actually experience the conundrum of not-self, "this is not me, this is not mine, this is not who I am." And thus confronted, she sheds some of her narcissism along the way and learns the value of compassion for those who share the journey with her.

A good read, then. I learn from an email from Laurie, received coincidentally this very morning--that she has reached #15 on the LA Times bestseller list for fiction. Here's hoping, for her, for a #1 spot soon!

Early Morning Buddhist Inspiration - 8/26/2007


Pay no attention to the faults of others,things done or left undone by others.Consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.


Saturday, August 25, 2007

Retreat

Today is retreat day with Thanissaro Bhikkhu. The topic is dependent co-arising. No post for today, and I may even extend my silence into tomorrow. We'll see. Have a great weekend.

Early Morning Buddhist Inspiration - 8/25/2007


Whether one believes in a religion or not,and whether one believes in rebirth or not,there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion.

~Dalai Lama


Friday, August 24, 2007

My Interview with Mala Maker Brian McIntyre. Part I

(Above: Brian sitting with some of his malas).

Brian McIntyre is a deeply spiritual mala maker and world traveler from Canada who learned his ancient craft in Bodhgaya, India (the alleged site of the Buddha's Enlightenment) from a local artisan. The design of his malas are unique: Reading from his website, Destination Om: Custom Malas and Prayer Tools:

The most obvious design that sets these malas apart from others is that I incorporate a "stretcher" into every mala which is a slip knot placed either at the top of the mala (opposite the guru bead) or as the guru bead itself. This slip knot allows for the practitioner to choose the spacing between the beads ideal for them by sliding the stretcher this can be accomplished.

James: I have had many malas over the years but they always had some kind of design flaw that made them uncomfortable and cheap in quality. Brian's malas are the best I've ever seen or worn. The beads are gorgeous, the thread is strong and the design is excellent. The unique "stretcher" construction allows the mala to easily slip over my thick hand and still tighten up snug around my wrist time after time. The stretcher conversely allows for a quick removal. These quality meditation beads retain their shape day after day and Brian will even restring them should they break!! He knows that despite using this brilliant design the malas will one day break and thus he will restring them for free as he doesn't want to see a mala go unused. You can't beat that deal!!

Thus it is without any reservation that I recommend his malas. In fact, I won't use any other mala from now on. Now, on to my interview with Brian:

1). How would you describe your spirituality? When did you become interested in spirituality/religion?

I have followed a path guided by my guru from the time I was able to hear the inner voice. I had a near death experience at the age of 16 that was a wake up to my potential in this life. From that day forward I had delved into Eastern philosophy and religion in search of answers to my inner questions. As time went on I read about Taoism, Confucianism, all levels of Buddhism, and Hinduism. From this I felt compelled to follow Buddhism and was given the blessed occupation of being a mala maker and learning to do so through a mala maker in Bodhgaya, India. Just recently I have awakened to my guru who sits as the head of Siddha Yoga, Gurumayi. It is a branch of Hinduism much like Dzogchen called Kashmir Shaivism. In this practice I have been able to bridge the gaps of my understanding in both Hinduism and Buddhism and adopted both as my practice in this life.

2). What got you interested in making malas?

I have been travelling since 1999 and while living in numerous places in Asia I would come across temples (especially in North East Asia) that would sell beads to assist in funding the monasteries and construction of new temples. When I returned to Canada there was nothing of the sort so I began making simple bracelets. At one point a friend came to me with yak bone and rudraksha and said “You should be a mala maker.” Two months later I was taken to India, guided to Bodhgaya and graced with a mala maker willing to teach me his craft! Now I sit in service to all that feel that a mala is a required tool in their practice.

3). You have visited Bodhgaya--can you describe for us a bit what visiting this sacred ground was like for you? And secondly, can you describe the atmosphere there a bit?

(Above: Brian in front of the Mahabodhi temple. Bodhgaya, India).

Below are two stories written about this question, that feed the emotion from being there in that moment!

Bodhgaya and the cave. March 4, 2006 1:36:09 AM

Bodhgaya is an interesting place, everything centres around the Mahabodhi Temple...the location where Buddha obtained enlightenment, an offspring of the original tree still stands today...an off-shoot was cut from an original in Sri Lanka and brought back here when the last tree died in the early1900s.

The temple is impressive and a towering stupa of over 50m defines this town...the gardens surrounding the complex are dotted with smaller stupas built by devotees from various countries...around the temple worshipers walk barefoot on marble and circumnabulate in a clockwise fashion, many with malas in their right hand reciting mantras as they continue in their meditative walk...the Bodhi tree also known as The Root Tree of Knowledge is enclosed by a sandstone fence, beneath the tree is a diamond throne which protects which is believed to be the very sandstone tablet that Buddha sat on...
( Above: Brian
sitting in front of the Diamond Throne at Mahabodhi temple, the wall behind stops too many people from viewing the sandstone marker that is meant to be the EXACT location where Buddha sat!

he would sit here for seven days straight before achieving nirvana and the answer to the entire understanding of human suffering and realizing all his previous lives, understanding the cosmos and communicating with other realms...for 49 days he would sit under a different tree for a period of 7days, each tree would give him different insights and feelings...He would goto Sarnath from here and find his first 5 disciples.

The prayers reverberate from every spot in the complex, millenia of prayers can be heard in the walls, flowers, trees, and ground...there is a sense of over-whelming awe...you enter the complex in a sort of hyper-reality and sensitivity, everything is more intimate and people are together for one reason...to understand this life we live in and overcome the burdens that are unnecessary...when you sit in the temple you can imagine the Buddha sitting next to you in his sublime state...the world is a happier place here...then as he would have it planned...AS SOON AS YOU LEAVE THE COMPLEX...BAM!!!

Indian reality and the perpetual struggle of BIHAR state, the poorest state on this subcontinent...the lack of education and industry have been their downfall, in addition to their state being divided, with the wealthier southern part taking on a new state name and reaping the royalties of their riches...leaving Bihar to struggle. Buddha warned the people of Bihar to be weary of feud, flood, and fire...of which, feud is an everyday occurrence in this region...bandits stroll the countryside to steal riches from vehicles on the roads and they are not afraid to hold entire villages ransom!!It only seems right that the region where Buddha travelled the most would be one of the poorest in a monetary sense...I feel that these people may have more then money, they most likely have the spirit and soul that Buddha graced upon this area...it opens your eyes to the struggles of the world and a need to find some sort of equilibrium...in time I believe we will find a balance of justice...we must for the sake of humanity...time will tell, we can only do our best to make a difference.

There is a cave near Bodhgaya where Buddha spent six years meditating and wasting away in his search for the end to human suffering...plagued by his lack of answers he fast and periods during these six years would eat one grain of rice...he would later write..."In truth, O Aggivessana, if I thought " I will touch my spine", it was the skin of my belly I also took hold of...I was so wasted away with fasting that the skin of my belly cleaved to my spine. Realizing this was not the way he left the mountain cave for a village close by where he took food from a woman called Sujata(the name of the village today)...in these fields he would conceive the idea of the Middle Way.

(Above: Brian in the Mahakala Cave).

Spending a couple of hours in the cave today you could only imagine the mental struggles that he was going through in his mission to SAVE HUMANITY!!... skin and bones are replicated in a golden statue of Buddha during this period in his life, sure to be one of the few statues of Buddha one will ever see in a skeletal form! I take all of you in my heart through my travels and every tear that is shed is for a greater happiness for all...with love and compassion...know you are all close to me...with love.

Mahabodhi Temple – Bodhgaya, India.

(Above: Brian in the shrine room inside the Mahabodhi temple. Bodhgaya, India.

Approaching the town is like a passing through time, the pastures give rise to a waterway that once was. Buddha would have came down from the cave he was meditating in for six years, just in the distance it can be seen…a white temple marks its location.
Bodhgaya is a collection of buildings with a monolithic temple as the “core” of this town and the heart of the world…the location where Buddha obtained enlightenment under the bodhi tree.

Time is immemorial, it stands still, a testament to prayers and mantras that have been chanted and stored in its every crevice…a veil of universal proportions consumes your every thought, until it is only you and the love of prayer reverberating your being. Time is nothing; the only indication is the movement of the sun and the change of hues and shafts of light that illuminate various parts of the temple grounds.
The realization cannot be missed by any; we sit here, one and all…in divine oneness.
The temple pulses, the tree drops its leaves to offer pieces of itself for worship…devotees scurry about picking every last leaf off the ground Others sit eagerly watching a branch, hoping to dart out and catch a leaf before it hits the ground. Honour, love, respect, compassion, and devotion. The Buddha watches on. I am home.

4). You mention visiting 19 countries in seven years—which ones stand out the most in your travels? In other words, which ones are your favorites if you had to chose a few?

Borneo – isolation and raw beauty. Mozambique – scuba diving at depths of 35m (100’) with 6m (18’) Manta. India – heart of the world. Indonesia – walking Borobodur, the largest Buddhist temple in the world! On Java, now home to the most densely populated Muslim community in the world.

5). Could you speak a bit more on your focus to build a meditation and retreat centre?

I want to build a period style Hindu temple and a period style Buddhist temple (likely in Korean architecture) with a library in the middle (of what I am presently amassing for the public)Temples have been a refuge for me while living in Asia, when I am without a place to stay on my walk I often sleep in temples (that are open 24 hours) or sleep within the grounds of monasteries.

The space is always welcome to all and I want to develop a place of worship and divinity where people can come to temple and perform whatever practice caters to them. What lacks in Canada are traditional style temples akin to what is found in Asia. The centre will be open 24 hours. The plan will be to host different events and celebrate holidays of importance to both Hindu and Buddhist traditions.

James: This is the end of part I of my interview with Brian McIntyre. The last five questions and answers will be posted on Monday. I hope you all have a peaceful, happy, loving weekend.

~Peace to all beings~

God's Warriors; The Buddha Diaries Recommends

Now that I've watched all three segments of Christiane Amanpour's CNN special, God's Warriors, I'm left wondering why the series left me feeling so dissatisfied. True, it was mostly interesting to watch (though I'll confess I dozed off a couple of times: chalk it up to the late hour, for this vacationing geezer), and the topics were thoroughly discussed. What was missing, for me, I think, was a sense of the controversy and outrage that swirl around the influence of religion in current political life. This may have had to do with Amanpour's decision to separate her three segments by religion, Jewish one evening, Muslim the next, and Christian the last. The fact that they never came head to head in the broadcast--the source of such animosity and bloodshed in the real world--made them seem insulated from each other, and thus relatively benign.

Lacking, too, was any real critical analysis of the views that Amanpour generously allowed the subjects of her interviews to discuss. There was little effort even to present opposing views. We saw a procession of mostly well-meaning folk whose passionate embrace of their particular religious bias seemed, well, almost laudable without the context of the dire results of their fanaticism. What's deeply troubling is not that strong religious views exist, but that their intolerance of other views results in terrorist acts, hostility, and outright warfare. It's the clash that is causing such problems in the world, and the clash that the series format effectively avoided. Amanpour's careful and compassionate listening was impressive, but left this viewer wanting more by way of challenge.

That said, I think that we progressive, liberal democrats do ourselves a serious disfavor by too easily discounting the depth of the contemporary desire to rediscover the values that religious practice--in all its manifestations--once represented. There's clearly something going on in the world, some major shift in consciousness, in reaction perhaps to the scientific and philosophical rationalism that has dominated human thought since the eighteenth century and that brought with it the industrial and technological revolutions. It seems evident, at the beginning of the 21st century, that while these may have brought "progress" on the material front--flush toilets, refrigerators and, yes, even the computer on which I write and post this entry in the blogosphere, these are surely advantages we would be reluctant to live without--they have also left an aching void in the life of the human spirit. As I see it, these warriors of God are seeking, each in their own way, to fill the void. Their mistake--again, strictly in my own view--is to be sifting through the already discredited myths of the past to find their answers.

In this context, this might be a good moment to return to...

The Buddha Diaries Recommends

... because we're happy to see that Mark, at Marko Polo and Eli at Memory Palace are both back at the keyboard and posting new entries on their blogs after a prolonged absence. (I guess summer breaks for students tend to break up the rhythm of the year.) Anyway, here are two young bloggers who are not loath to engage in the hard process of wrestling with religious ideas and beliefs, and are willing to question their own as well as listen to others. It's good to stay in touch with the heartland, where they reside. And I mean that in both senses of the word. I'm looking forward myself to hearing more from them.

Early Morning Buddhist Inspiration - 8/24/2007


Daily Necessities Tips & pointers for building a spiritual life from scratch...

Pray Meditate Be aware/Stay awake Bow Practise yoga Feel Chant and sing Breathe and smile Relax/Enjoy/Laugh/Play Create/Envision Let Go/Forgive/Accept Walk/Exercise/Move Work/Serve/Contribute Listen/Learn/Enquire Consider/Reflect Cultivate oneself/Enhance competencies Cultivate contentment Cultivate flexibility Cultivate friendship and collaboration Lighten up Celebrate and appreciate Dream Give thanks Evolve Love Share/Give/Receive Walk softly/Live gently Expand/Radiate/Dissolve Simplify Surrender/Trust Be born anew.

~from Awakening The Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das


Thursday, August 23, 2007

Eco-Hangers. Recycled Cardboard Clothes Hangers

This from CNET:

The idea for the company--which makes a dry cleaner hanger made entirely from recycled paper--came after founder and Chief Operating Officer J.D. Schulman's mother asked him to throw away a bunch of old wire hangers. He put them in the garbage, the hangers poked a hole in the bag, and gravy dripped on her white carpet when Schulman took the garbage out, says HangerNetwork CEO Bob Kantor.

The result was the EcoHanger, a sturdy replacement for wire hangers that can be folded and tossed into the ordinary household recycling bin. Because they biodegrade relatively quickly, the hanger conceivably could displace significant amounts of difficult-to-dispose-of garbage every year.

"3.5 billion wire hangers go into U.S. landfills every year, and they sit in there for over a hundred years," Kantor said.

Perhaps just as important, the company says it can bring these hangers to market in an economical way that makes it attractive for dry cleaners to switch. HangerNetwork doesn't sell its hangers. It gives them free to dry cleaners, who ordinarily have to pay about 8 cents per wire hanger.

So who foots the bill? National advertisers pay HangerNetwork to put ads on the hangers, which then stare consumers in the face when they get dressed in the morning.

"We have Van Heusen shirts, L'Oreal, Dunkin' Donuts, Mitchum antiperspirant," Kantor said. "On average, (the hanger) stays in your closet six to eight weeks."

The company is already pulling in "multimillions" in ad revenue, he said. Ad campaigns can be targeted at men or women and will be available nationwide or aimed at specific markets. The ad campaigns start at 250,000 hangers.

Technically speaking, the EcoHanger is made from 34-point paperboard (a relatively thick paper) that is folded onto itself. The hanger is then glued and laminated for extra strength. In the end, the hanger is strong enough to hold clothes, but remains flexible. The company has sought patents on the device.

James: My only complaint is that I can't figure out how to order some for my personal use!! I want to replace all my hangers with these environmentally friendly ones.

~Peace to all beings~

Early Morning Buddhist Inspiration - 8/23/2007


The Fragrance of the Rose

The disciples were absorbed in a discussion of Lao-tzu's dictum: "Those who know, do not say; Those who say, do not know."When the master entered, they asked him what the words meant. Said the master, "Which of you knows the fragrance of a rose?" All of them indicated that they knew. Then he said, "Put it into words." All of them were silent.

~from One Minute Wisdom by Anthony DeMello


Reading

A strange and disturbing experience yesterday morning. I woke to find myself nearly unable to see. My vision was severely blurred by a kind of dancing aura of light that prevented me from focusing on any single point. By coincidence, I had made an appointment for an eye check-up the same afternoon, and the doctor had no difficulty in diagnosing what he called an ocular migraine. No headache, just the aura I've known about before as a symptom of the more familiar type of migraine. A "blinding headache" minus the ache. I did worry, for the few minutes that it lasted, that my eyesight was finally failing. My first worry was how I'd ever manage to write the blog: visions (!) of having to dictate it to Cardozo! And would I have to learn braille if I wanted to read?

Would I learn the equanimity I might need to cope with such an affliction?

Well, it only lasted for a half hour or so, and I soon managed to write the entry which you undoubtedly read. Well, I like to think you might have done. This morning, I just wanted to add a few more words about The Glass Castle, which I also managed to finish despite the earlier eye problem. I loved the book. It's one of those stories where you end up rooting so hard for the protagonist that it hurts. It's hard to imagine such a nightmare of a childhood in the United States, with children literally sifting through the garbage after school lunch to devour the left-overs of their school-mates, and living amid filth and decay in a desolate mining town in the "care" of parents whose neglect of their children is determined not so much by a lack of education as by their willful, adamant rejection of conformity to social norms.

For the author, Jeannette Walls, who from her earliest years adored and defended her aberrant father as only a child can, her upbringing was at once a curse and a blessing. Inculcated by her mother with a love of books and by her father with an insatiable curiosity about the physical world around her, she was possessed of a mind that devoured whatever came her way. Her unconventional education required that she develop her own skills for acquiring knowledge and putting it to use--skills that have evidently stood her in good stead, in her adult life, as a successful researcher and writer. The poverty and deprivation she was forced to endure at least endowed her with a toughness of mind, a self-reliance and a resilience to the vicissitudes of life that are notably lacking in many of those growing up in the comfortable, even pampered environment of middle-class America.

It's not the kind of upbringing I'd recommend for anyone. Few, I think, would survive this kind of hardship with the success of Jeannette Walls. What saved her from a fate of resigned, redneck ignorance was surely the intellectual qualities that her parents possessed, even if they sorely misused them. Walls, in a word, is not a poster child for poverty, but rather a shining example of one who managed to escape it and a testimony to the power of the written word. Her passion for reading, this book suggests, was her salvation. Eventually it all comes down to strength of mind. Reading can do that for you. The practice of meditation, I like to think, is another way to go about it.

Even so, I'm glad to have my eyes back.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

An Epiphany: My Spiritual Awakening and Path Toward Forgiveness

Taking a nod from Peter I decided to write about an epiphany in my life. This is the epiphany of my spiritual awakening. I had just returned from a difficult, trying, scary, confusing and exhausting two year Mormon mission from Cote D'Ivoire, West Africa where my world had been turned upside down. My unflinching commitment to the Mormon faith was unraveling by the day as I began to do some research into what were the opposing views. You see, I had been taught to not question the veracity of the church let alone read a different viewpoint on the history and teachings of the Mormon faith.

Yet I had questions that nagged at me day and night that even invaded my dreams. I could not push them away. There were too many things that were not logically lining up or making sense to me as I looked further into the looking glass of (what was for me) honest investigation. I had to know what was out there in the spiritual garden to choose from that I hadn't even glanced at before. I had never before looked at both sides before making up my mind on something so important as my spiritual path. I firmly believe in knowing all the information out there before making decisions. I had simply borrowed from my parents testimony in the church and those of my teachers/leaders. I thought I knew that the Mormon faith was the only truth possible on the Earth but I began to realize after my mission that I was simply parroting what I was told in Sunday school class. I wanted to fit in and be like everyone else who had such seemingly undeniable faith.

Yes, I did feel some wonderful spiritual moments growing up in the Mormon church and I've always had a deep spiritual foundation yet the older that I became the less the same old answers and explanations made sense. The more I read the more disillusioned I became yet I still attended meetings in hopes that maybe something would change because although I wanted to know what was true for myself--I was afraid of making such an earth-shattering change to leave the faith. It wasn't long, however, before I knew that I couldn't carry on the charade anymore. I had to leave if my integrity meant anything to me.

I left and didn't look back which was difficult for me because it meant possible alienation from my family and friends who were at the time all Mormons. But how could I stay--living a lie?? No, for once I had to be brave and set forth on my own path in life. So, for the first time in my life I was free to be who I wanted to be and think for myself. I dined at the spiritual feast of options and engorged my hungry appetite for knowledge. Yet nothing seemed to fit--just as Mormonism didn't seem to fit. In the meantime a monster was brewing in my brain--Schizo-affective disorder.

I was living with a brain disorder--a chemical imbalance in my brain that was causing wild mood swings, depression one minute and mania the next. However, this monster hand many heads. Along with the mood swings came hallucinations in the form of voices, visual disturbances, paranoia and delusional thinking. This combined with a raging anger at a feeling of being misled by the religion of my youth made a dangerous mixture. In short, I was growing more and more isolated from people and more and more disillusioned with all things spiritual, material and otherwise. I was in deep suffering not knowing where to turn, not knowing there was medicine out there that could help my chemical imbalance. Hell, not even knowing I had a chemical imbalance!! I saw everyone as my enemy. I finally saw a psychiatrist who started me on medicines but they didn't work and that began a journey of jumping from one psych to the next. None of them were helping much and the medicines seemed to just make things worse.

I was listening to angry music, reading about bizarre spiritual practices and becoming more enraged by the day. The climax of my spiral through this Hell though came when I was so angry, fearful and depressed that I just wanted nothing more then to blow up the entire planet (or for someone else to. I wanted to take a nuclear bomb straight to the head). Just end the misery that I saw the Earth experience to have become. I wanted to end my suffering, that of others and destroy all those whom I perceived had done me wrong. I was in a very bad place. Enter my friend "Charlie" I'll call him. We met in a summertime class at the university--I can't remember the name of the class now but I remember him, yes, indeed I always will for "Charlie" opened my eyes. He introduced me to a man named, Dr. David R. Hawkins via his books. He was some sort of mystic I gathered and agreed to read his first book, "Power vs. Force" and I couldn't put it down.

There for the first time I learned about Oneness, mindfulness, impermanence, ego, karma and the description of a "God force" that made much more sense to me. This force taught by Hawkins is one that is intrinsic within all things and goes beyond a physical being. There were some things in his books that I didn't really get or agree with but over-all I was astounded at what I found. It was no less then finding not only the meaning of life but the meaning of the existence of everything that ever was, is and will be!! Talk about an epiphany!!! I was spun around and "reborn" to use a heavily loaded word. The more I read these books the more the very world around me shifted into a new light. I didn't just see the trees around me as "scenery" but as living breathing brothers and sisters that I was dependent upon and vice versa. That my friends as many of you know has a powerful effect. I was apart of something powerful, loving, beautiful and perhaps most importantly--meaningful. It was about this time that I met my current psychiatrist and psychologist who finally found a combination of medicines that help me manage my condition as best as possible. I knew that from that point onward I would be a totally different person and I wasn't scared--I was relieved. It also through his books that I was introduced to Buddhism and four years later--here I am.

Now, I try to see the good in all religions and I often succeed but I still struggle with the Mormon faith. Never the less, I am working on forgiving past wrongs and healing scars. I still have some strong opinions about that church but I am trying to put that all behind me. It is a personal challenge for me to forgive those people and accept that faith as having value and benefit to society. There are times when I see much good in their teachings but still others when I see them as dangerous. I am by no means a perfect man. Yet, there are many wonderful people in the Mormon church who's lives have been greatly improved by their faith and who have beautiful, pure, loving hearts--my mother, father and two older brothers are a few. In fact, there are even some things that I agree with them about after all these years. It isn't always easy but I am determined to let this anger, bitterness and hurt go one day once and for all.

PHOTO: The temples of Bagan in Myanmar by Stuart Clyne.